This is a post that was written by my sister Stephanie, although it is not related to the Zodiac it is still an interesting read about toxic relationships. This is yet another reminder why people need to pay attention to things like the Zodiac prior to entering in a relationship. Even if you don't believe in the Zodiac, you should still pay attention to a person's personality. Don't be entranced by only looks. Or worse because you're bored or lonely. Pay attention to the persons habits, mannerisms, personality, and past experiences. Have they jumped from relationship from relationship, are they needy, do they enjoy picking fights? Look out for red flags and be cautious before you enter into a relationship with anyone.
Enjoy the post!
Have you ever been in a relationship where you find yourself asking "Why is this happening again" or "ugh not this stuff again?". Or feel that you have the constant feeling of "what now"? Do you feel as if there is always something going wrong, always a mistake, always an apology? And hanging over everything, there is always the repetitive excuse of "I won't do it again". It is a constant cycle that before you know it lasts years, maybe even decades taking with it your self esteem, trust, and energy.
I recently left a relationship that was like this. And I was thinking about it the other day so I went to do some research on what psychologists call "codependent relationships". While the name sounds like something weird you may have seen in your high school psychology class, it is far more common problem than you think.
I honestly can not think of anyone I know who has not been in what could be classified as a codependent relationship. As the author of this article on Web MD explains, to some extent all relationships are codependent but the problem arises when your dependency on someone else fueled by an already low self esteem and desire to please enables that person to treat you badly. An excerpt that I felt summarized this is as follows:
"It's a case of arrested development -- a combination of immature thinking, dealing, and behaving that generates self-loathing, Cannon says. "That self-loathing is acted out through self-destructive or unduly self-sacrificial behavior in adult years."To anesthetize the emotional pain, codependent adults try whatever makes them feel better -- alcohol, drugs, food, sex, gambling. They become addicted to relationships and will do anything to hold onto them, fearing the emotional abandonment that happened during childhood. They put aside what they want to please the other person, remaining in harmful situations far too long.
In choosing a partner, they gravitate toward what is most familiar -- a dysfunctional mate. "We all seek the relationship pattern that we're familiar with, however unhappy it might make us," Cannon explains.
Neediness is a hallmark of a codependent relationship. One person's happiness depends on having the other person right there -- right now. Not letting you hang out with friends, calling frequently to check up on you, having to be with you all the time -- these are controlling behaviors, says McKee.
"If you get close to someone else, it's very threatening to them," he explains. "They're calling you all the time when you're away: Do you still love me? Are you still there for me? It's a very unhappy way to live."
"They are not really good at bonding. They don't know how to bond in a constructive way that has a healthy dependency between two independent people. They don't feel able to express their own feelings, express a difference in opinion, so bonding never quite works."
When I recall the things that I would hear the person in the codependent relationship say to me they always revolved around his weaknesses. For example he explained to me once that he went after girls who have had weight problems in the past or had " low self esteem" because they weren't as "stuck up" and were easy. I should have left when I heard this, because it only got worse. He attempted to make small critiques of me in an effort to manifest some kind of insecurity in me so that I would feel unattractive and less likely to leave him.
Also another important theme in codependent relationship is abuse. Abuse takes form in many ways, in addiction such as drugs and/or alcohol, sex (sex becomes an almost currency used to barter between arguments or influence emotions), and verbal abuse. The codependent guy would often resort to outbursts and screaming matches. This was also very common in his past relationships and it was a way to "scare" his partner. He loved to fight and stupidly thought that fighting equalled passion, hence his obsession with the concept of make-up sex. I felt sorry for him because the only way he could enjoy passionate love making was by making his partner hate him through emotional abuse.
Many of the people involved in codependent relationships act like children, they NEED someone to tell them when to stop, when its enough, what to do, etc. they are incapable of understanding limits. They should know by their age what is healthy or reasonable but these words do not exist in their world, nor does the word moderation.
They live between two worlds " I fucked up" and "I'm bored". Their favorite excuse is "it's just who I am". They have written a character for themselves and are acting according to the mental script. This week I'm a rockstar who sleeps around, the next week he is the workaholic politician trying to make a difference. The energy they put into trying to get into character is ridiculous. They are the perfect example of some one trying too hard. Like a bad actor in a cheap costume, their motives are transparent and they can not even convince themselves, but before they admit that they failed they become a new character.
I apologize if this post seems long winded but I felt that its important to learn more about the relationships that we choose to be in, and understand how they affect us.
I recently left a relationship that was like this. And I was thinking about it the other day so I went to do some research on what psychologists call "codependent relationships". While the name sounds like something weird you may have seen in your high school psychology class, it is far more common problem than you think.
I honestly can not think of anyone I know who has not been in what could be classified as a codependent relationship. As the author of this article on Web MD explains, to some extent all relationships are codependent but the problem arises when your dependency on someone else fueled by an already low self esteem and desire to please enables that person to treat you badly. An excerpt that I felt summarized this is as follows:
"It's a case of arrested development -- a combination of immature thinking, dealing, and behaving that generates self-loathing, Cannon says. "That self-loathing is acted out through self-destructive or unduly self-sacrificial behavior in adult years."To anesthetize the emotional pain, codependent adults try whatever makes them feel better -- alcohol, drugs, food, sex, gambling. They become addicted to relationships and will do anything to hold onto them, fearing the emotional abandonment that happened during childhood. They put aside what they want to please the other person, remaining in harmful situations far too long.
In choosing a partner, they gravitate toward what is most familiar -- a dysfunctional mate. "We all seek the relationship pattern that we're familiar with, however unhappy it might make us," Cannon explains.
Neediness is a hallmark of a codependent relationship. One person's happiness depends on having the other person right there -- right now. Not letting you hang out with friends, calling frequently to check up on you, having to be with you all the time -- these are controlling behaviors, says McKee.
"If you get close to someone else, it's very threatening to them," he explains. "They're calling you all the time when you're away: Do you still love me? Are you still there for me? It's a very unhappy way to live."
"They are not really good at bonding. They don't know how to bond in a constructive way that has a healthy dependency between two independent people. They don't feel able to express their own feelings, express a difference in opinion, so bonding never quite works."
When I recall the things that I would hear the person in the codependent relationship say to me they always revolved around his weaknesses. For example he explained to me once that he went after girls who have had weight problems in the past or had " low self esteem" because they weren't as "stuck up" and were easy. I should have left when I heard this, because it only got worse. He attempted to make small critiques of me in an effort to manifest some kind of insecurity in me so that I would feel unattractive and less likely to leave him.
Also another important theme in codependent relationship is abuse. Abuse takes form in many ways, in addiction such as drugs and/or alcohol, sex (sex becomes an almost currency used to barter between arguments or influence emotions), and verbal abuse. The codependent guy would often resort to outbursts and screaming matches. This was also very common in his past relationships and it was a way to "scare" his partner. He loved to fight and stupidly thought that fighting equalled passion, hence his obsession with the concept of make-up sex. I felt sorry for him because the only way he could enjoy passionate love making was by making his partner hate him through emotional abuse.
Many of the people involved in codependent relationships act like children, they NEED someone to tell them when to stop, when its enough, what to do, etc. they are incapable of understanding limits. They should know by their age what is healthy or reasonable but these words do not exist in their world, nor does the word moderation.
They live between two worlds " I fucked up" and "I'm bored". Their favorite excuse is "it's just who I am". They have written a character for themselves and are acting according to the mental script. This week I'm a rockstar who sleeps around, the next week he is the workaholic politician trying to make a difference. The energy they put into trying to get into character is ridiculous. They are the perfect example of some one trying too hard. Like a bad actor in a cheap costume, their motives are transparent and they can not even convince themselves, but before they admit that they failed they become a new character.
I apologize if this post seems long winded but I felt that its important to learn more about the relationships that we choose to be in, and understand how they affect us.
Very well spoken, Jacqueline. Living your own life your own way is truly the best way to be happy.
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