I was sitting in the car the other day with two male friends, one a Leo (the afore mentioned) and the other a Cancer male. For some odd reason we got on the topic of dating. I mentioned that dating in DC had been a pretty awful experience for me. They proceeded to ask me why I felt that way, I explained to them that I was in a very strange position in my life. I was neither religious (frum) nor was I secular. I was not quite sure what I wanted and had not met anyone who interested me. Because I was interested in growing religiously this tended to limit my dating pool a lot. I also told them that I was far more serious than a lot of the males in my peer group, so I couldn’t picture dating a guy in his early twenties. I mentioned how I hope to one day move to New York for work and will hopefully have more luck there.
That led to a totally new conversation on how cutthroat New York women are. My Cancer male friend, in true Cancerian fashion could not seem to stop himself from rubbing the salt in my wounds by telling me how much competition there is because all the girls in NY are size zero. The Leo (who is shorter than me, he is about 5’9) then proceeded to chip in by saying that because I was so tall it would be even more difficult.
Ummmm excuse me?
I’m not saying that physical beauty doesn’t matter when finding a mate but to suggest that it’s the only thing I have to bring to the table is insulting to me and degrading to other women as well.
We are judged every day on features we can’t control such as our height and body structure. I REFUSE to apologize any longer for my body. Sure it would be nice sometimes to picture myself a size zero or under 5’6 but it will never ever happen. Even at my thinnest when I basically worked out three times a day and ate only steamed vegetables I still wore a size 8. I have realized that despite everything I have been through I am happy the way I am and don’t need to make myself into something I am not.
I thought it was funny that both men, who for the most part were unattached in their mid-thirties were attempting to give me relationship and life advice. Both men were not in the best shape themselves nor were they particularly handsome. But like true Jewish melechs they felt the need to tell me that since I wasn’t a size zero or petite I would have to struggle, and most likely be lucky just to find a relationship with an ogre (or gargoyle, if I'm really lucky).
Prior to this conversation I thought at 24 I had accomplished a lot and was a good catch. I graduated Cum Laude from one of the best schools in Florida. I have a terrific job that I love and excel at. I am friendly, funny, smart, cultured and a very kind person. But to these guys none of those qualities mattered. They only saw the physical side of me and couldn’t look beyond that.
One thing I’ve learned from dating is that relationships need to extend pass the physical in order to work. Meaning you have to learn to love the person within. I am not saying this gives me the right to become a fat slob but rather that my partner needs to accept my body as beautiful no matter what society’s ideal may be. I don’t need or expect every guy to find me attractive. But to say that I am less worthy of a relationship simply because I am bigger than most women is ridiculous.
Consider this, do you really want to be with a man who will hate you and your body when you become pregnant? Or be with a man who is disgusted by your body when you gain weight? Or gets embarrassed when you wear high heels? That is not the type of boyfriend or husband I want to have.
There is only so much your body and mind can go through to please somebody. Concentrate on pleasing yourself. Learn something new, make friends, work hard, play hard but don’t waste a minute of your precious time turning yourself into something you are not.
Regards,
The girl who [proudly] wears a size 12
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